Gray

I got out of bed and turned on my pc to write this.

As long as i can remember, i have been fighting my introvertedness, my social incapability, my inability to articulate my thoughts into spoken words. There was no question of choice for me, i did not have any option other than to fight. Sometimes i don't even realize it but my struggle has manifested itself in many forms. I do things that are in direct opposition to what my reclusive self preaches (and are most of the times dead boring to me.) I try not to miss any chance to show up the introvert in me, to prove him wrong, to humiliate him.

I believe that if i keep fighting (or fight long enough or hard enough) i will gradually (or eventually) become this person that i love to be - this person who is not uncomfortable at your presence, or does not look at gatherings with apprehension, or does not shy away from (even slightly) "remarkable" people. Words come naturally to this person - and sometimes these words are even funny.

Lately, however, i have come to realize that i can be comfortable just being myself. I have found that i am not disgusted at myself for being the introvert that i really am. Society recognizes people like me and has a place for people like me. In other words, people just understand that i don't talk so much and that i'm not really interested in many of the things they are about. Now i see that the people who seemed rather distant and not really part of "the group" were just comfortable being themselves in their own ways.

But i want to be that other person - he has so much fun. I have come such a long way just to give in to myself now. I'm thoroughly confused now. I tread the gray path so to say. I guess i'll just have to stop thinking about all this and just let things go their own way.

I hate myself for writing and posting this. The struggle continues